I can't help but wait...

No, I don't have an affinity for J-Holiday but I just thought that to be an appropriate title considering how I am on the eve of the most anticipated Monday morning in my recent memory...maybe EVER.

Day 2 of "The Great Cleanse" went pretty well. We'll not spend too much time analyzing why I slept until noon. We'll just chalk it up to my body feeling a little less energetic than usual. Hey, my Chevy Tahoe didn't run when it was on "E" either. I had a blackberry, raspberry, and strawberry smoothie to start the day followed by several servings of that cabbage soup. I came to really look forward to that stuff. It even had a very familiar taste. Have you ever been to Medieval Times in Southern California? You know, the place where Matthew Broderick and Jim Carrey battled it out in The Cable Guy? Well, if you've ever been there, you will recall the soup in a cup that they give you as you enjoy the show as part of their "feed you like you were around during Medieval Times" meal. The cabbage soup kinda tasted like that, except that I had no big mound of stale bread to sop it up with. Between bowls of this, I snacked on craisins and raisins, and an apple or a plum here and there. After awhile, I wasn't even really thinking about food...until I went outside for about an hour. A trip to Whole Foods almost sabotaged the whole thing as the produce aisle was a little too close to where they were cooking something for people to sample. It must've been some sausage or something because it smelled positively heavenly. I thought I was done for right then and there. I quickly retreated back to the house and made another smoothie. The grand meal of the day was probably the best salad that I've ever made. Not since a spring evening in 2004 has a salad so moved me. Okay, okay...I can't take credit for the spring mix, but I added all of the extra stuff. I sliced some tomatoes and grapes, I sprinkled craisins and strawberries. It was pretty good if I do say so myself.

Today, I didn't even feel that hungry. I made myself a smoothie, but it was more out of formality than from feeling famished. A couple hours later I ate a banana. I didn't even woof it down either. It probably took me 10 minutes to finish it as I nibbled while doing some laundry and straightening up before heading off to church. I made sure to take a bag of assorted fruits with me when I left the house though, and it's a good thing. I went to hang out with my kids and it was like Tyrone Biggums (of Chappelle Show fame) being invited to the Carter Projects to hang out with Nino Brown. Their mother was cooking some sort of roast with barbeque sauce and the sweet scent filled the house. I pulled a plum out of the bag and ate it in record time. I was only there for 10 minutes, but I had to dip into the bag again for a tangerine just to cope. In retrospect though, that wasn't even that bad. When I got to the airport, i was really in trouble.

Getting to Gate 32 I passed Max's Deli, Fenton's Creamery, and California Pizza Kitchen. Even Starbuck's looked good and I hardly ever go there. To make matters worse, my flight was delayed and I had to watch the people sitting by my gate make repeated trips to the aforementioned establishments and return with delicious treats to enjoy right in front of me. On the plane, I ordered a V-8 and actually enjoyed it. I put the bag of wheat thins and honey roasted peanuts in my bag for consumption at a later date. Before we landed, I peeled an orange and made it vanish like my name was Copperfield. When I checked into my hotel, I devoured the last Granny Smith Apple that I had with me, as I eyed the m&m's and butterfingers beckoning me from the mini-bar.

As I watched the 4th quarter of the NBA All-Star Game, I thumbed through the room service menu and stared at it like it had a centerfold in it or something. When the game was over, I went over to one of the hotel's restaurants and tried to order something that fit the bill. I think the waiter thought I was crazy when I ordered two salads, and that single glass of Mendoza Malbec hit me alot harder than it usually does when chased down by some steak and potatoes. He probably really thought I had lost it when I asked to see the breakfast menu so that I could make sure that the absolutely wonderful sounding Mango Oatmeal was available there as well.

I don't even know why I'm still writing. The Nutty Professor is on and they just showed the scene where they had the feast to end all feasts at Professor Klump's family's house. This is too much. I should go to sleep right now. It's like Christmas for a 6 year old. (In case I failed to mention it before, I'm only doing this for 3 days). The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner it will be tomorrow, and the sooner I can eat some FOOD.

'Twas the night before Breakfast, when all through the resort

I couldn't think about exercise or sleep, just eating for sport;



The thoughts they did race through my head with no hair,

In hopes that St. Nicholas or better yet the Quaker Oats man, soon would be there;



I guess I'll get nestled all snug in my bed,

While visions of Snap, Crackle, and Pop dance through my head;


When out by the pool there arose such a clatter,

I didn't even get outta bed to see what's the matter.

Excited, I'm not, for another trade show,

I'd rather eat tapas by the pool down below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,


But a miniature mart, filled with wine, lunchmeat and beer,

With a dirty ol' microwave so ineffective but quick,

I knew in a moment I was gonna be sick.

Snap out of it D, you'll awaken quite soon,

You're in the Valley of the Sun and so down with the Moon;

"Now, waiter! now, bus boy! now, run to that kitchen!

The left side of the menu...I'm eatin' all those dishes!

Now keep the meals comin', while I make this call,

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

But it wouldn't be prudent to eat like a pig,

Cuz I'll probably get sick and lose this here gig,



So I'll keep my head straight and put down the celly,

And ease into some sensible foods to put in my belly.

I'm going to bed now, cuz this blog's a wreck

I've gotta get some rest so I can wake up and talk tech,

So wish me luck as I prepare to transition

Back to eating real food and ending this self imposed mal-nutrition.,

This cleansing and fasting stuff was really outta sight

Buffet Breakfasts to all, and to all a good-night.