Last to know

Ever feel like everyone around you knows something that you don't? I've been dogged by this troubling feeling for a few days now. I can't quite put a finger on it, and no one has said as much, but still I am uneasy. I guess it's more what they are not saying that has been eating at me.

I feel like my life has been one big question that everyone else seems to know the answer to, and has taken the liberty to act accordingly, neglecting to inform me however. Meanwhile, I run around like the hamster on the wheel thinking that I'm going to make progress. Like that hamster, I fear that I will discover that no progress at all has been made despite my best efforts. Chapter 9 of my beloved Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison comes to mind. The main character, who by Ellison's sheer genius shall and does remain nameless throughout the entire epic, is finally enlightened by some sympathetic soul that is incensed and disgusted by the atrocity that has been committed against this man. The man presents our hero with the very letter that said hero had been carrying around and presenting to prospective employers, not at all knowing its content. To make a long story short, the letter detailed a rather discouraging account of how our hero was to be made to think he would be working toward making his way back to finish his studies, and to becoming successful when in actuality, the letter's recipients were commanded to see to it that our hero never made it to the end of his rainbow and furthermore that he must never be made aware of the impossibility of his reaching that goal. Could that be me? Is the current rut in which I'm residing an exercise in futility that all of my close confidants have come to terms with in their own way? Is their silence their way of concealing their pity?


Not too many things in life are more disconcerting than feeling that others know your fate and won't share with you, but that those trusted individuals in your camp hold out on you. That's how I'm feeling. Loneliness is not nearly a strong enough word to describe the void in the pit of my stomach. Is it that I can only truly trust myself and my maker?