Evil Empire

In the mountain of mail that had accumulated while I was away was a bill from my cable provider, Comcast. I thought it peculiar that I had mail from them because I ordinarily get statements online. I figured it were probably some sort of advertisement for some new "deal" of theirs. They waste lots of paper sending me stuff that always has a big asterisk on it.

I really dislike Comcast. I will do almost anything to not use these guys for television, short of not having television. At my last place, I talked my landlord into allowing Dish Network to install a dish on the roof of the building, just so I could avoid paying a single red cent to Comcast. Everyone else in my building had Comcast, but still I looked for an alternative.The Dish Network service worked alot better and I got just about all of the channels that Comcast was offering, for about half the price. I even had a DVR. Life was good. I even had the NFL and NBA networks.

Folks in my inner circle know that my dislike of Comcast runs much deeper though. They've even tormented me in my professional life. I've worked in the data over cable (high speed broadband) industry for the better part of the last 10 years and as a result have had to deal with these guys. Let me tell you. They might even be worse do deal with in that capacity than as a consumer. As a consumer, you at least have the option to seek some other alternative like Dish, Direct TV, or some good ol' fashioned rabbit ears. On the broadband side, you can get DSL, high speed over satellite, or even dial-up if downloading files for 3 days doesn't bother you. But if you are the manufacturer of a cable modem or related products, you pretty much have to sell to these guys in order to, well, matter!

Comcast is the largest cable operator in the United States by a longshot. They probably have about 95% of the market in this country while the number 2 and 3 and 4 players, significant companies like Time Warner and Cox and Cablevision, take their shot at what's left. Those other companies must feel as ridiculous as those other random nameless golfer's that get interviewed on the days leading up to the major golf tournaments and asked dumb questions like "How do you like your chances of winning this?" It takes all that they have not to say something like, "Well, if, heaven forbid, Tiger Woods should happen upon a series of unfortunate events, heaven forbid, or come up missing, I think I can take win."

As a result of this market position, Comcast is a bear (hey, my daughter might read this) to sell to when you've got no other choice. They put you through the ringer, make you test your equipment in their labs for exorbitant amounts of time and allow you to wine and dine them even when they know they have no intention of using your product in the volumes that you have discussed. The only good thing that I can recall about having Comcast as an account was that their headquarters at 15th and Market in Philadelphia (in the shadows of the William Penn statue on top of city hall). Why is that good? Well, it gave me an excuse to stay at the Ritz Carlton across the street which, in my opinion is one of their best properties for so many reasons that I won't get into here.

So anyways, upon opening up the aforementioned piece of mail I was at the well past the point of pisstivity (big ups to Richard Pryor) when I noticed that my bill had gone from a monthly rate of $62.14 to $108.56! Despite my complaints to the account manager that covered my building when I moved in about how much I hate Comcast and how much I would love to not have to patronize them, she assured me that my rate would not change. Well, it has. The Evil empire is trying to stick it to me once again. I had to call for reinforcements.

In Pulp Fiction, Vincent and Jules got in a jam and asked Marcellus to help them out, so he sent them the Wolf. Harvey Keitel, as the Wolf, also played a much more sinister version of this character, sans the sense of humor, charm and dapper duds as Point of No Return's The Cleaner. Much, much easier on the eye but no less effective, I called on the Princess. The Princess is routinely getting out of paying rate hikes for cell phones, cable bills, credit card late fees...you name it. Using a variety of tacts, she usually wears down the hapless customer service agent that happened to pick up her call, and their supervisors as well. Instead of pointing out the sheer lunacy in the condescending way that I might have chosen, being too emotionally attached to the situation, she went the calm and collected route. She was like a highly skilled surgeon, dissecting the lame offers that the guy in billing was throwing her way and methodically going through them item by item.

Comcast Customer "Service": Well, maybe I should pass you on to cancellations since none of these options seem to suit you.

Princess: Yes, please do that...what was your name?

Comcast Customer "Service": John. My name is John.

Princess: Thank you, John. By the way John, what is your direct extension and whom is your supervisor?

Scalpel. Having been a veteran of many such operations, the Princess knew that this was where the real power players were anyway. She carved up the cancellations guy to the tune of me retaining my current package at a rate $5 lower than the current bill, for the next 6 months. Forceps. Now stitch 'em up.