Is this it? Is this how I’m finally going to go out? Is there no fight left in this dog? Have I been reduced to a sitting duck of sorts, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide? Am I going to take this lying down, or go out like a man, standing on my own two feet? How did I get here? I was winning. No, I was dominating. I was downright invincible. I had looked the devil in the eye and feared not. I dared to emerge from the dark forest and its dark canopy preventing any light, any good to circulate, its hidden dangers lurking in the shadows being allowed to flourish and overpower unsuspecting victims. But not me. I’m far too aware to get caught out there, and I was armed. But how did I get here?
It started out as a gentle mist, only very acutely obscuring visibility. I passed through its very small pockets, not terribly concerned. I even had the wherewithal to avoid it altogether, swerving to miss the most minor of disturbances as a skier might do on a slalom course. But then the pockets became more frequent, and the disturbances not so minor anymore, multiplying, and banding together to advance upon my increasingly tenuous position. Avoidance of them often meant an all out detour or cancellation of progress altogether. Finally, I was like Michael Jackson in Thriller(let the record show that I was really reaching here, reluctantly choosing to let myself be represented by the King of Pop), back to back with Ola Ray(well, on second thought, maybe this is not so bad after all) surrounded on all sides by the deadly predators, relentlessly closing in to seal my doom.
It was December 3, 2007. No, wait a minute. It was much earlier than that. October 29, 2007 to be exact. I was being interviewed by a soon to be co-worker that had been overcome by it. It seemed harmless enough. She warned me to steer clear and I took heed. A give it little thought at the time, and had no idea that her condition would worsen in the weeks that followed. Why should I have expected that it would gain strength, completely consuming her and recruiting others to carry out its dirty deeds? I was perplexed. Call it optimism. Call it ignorance. Call it naivete. Fast-forwarding to December 3,2007 I found myself in an enclosed room with this co-worker AND the new recruits. For 5 consecutive days I endeavored to withstand their gradual and sometimes not so subtle attempts at corrupting me as well. At no fixed interval, the contaminant was expelled involuntarily into this poorly ventilated room. I could feel it inching its way through the ether in my direction. I tried to avoid contact as much as possible, but engaged in the obligatory salutations lest I be perceived as discourteous or insolent. Each time, however, I quickly excused myself and rushed to neutralize the encounter. Each day, I armed myself against the airborne assailant with…well, Airborne. Foiled yet again, Common Cold, my arch enemy retreated and regrouped.
I emerged victorious once again last week, against even more insurmountable odds as I failed to concede when the passengers to my left and in the row behind me on my flight hacked and hacked as if they were providing a fertilization that this year’s harvest depended upon. Back in the office, I came to the realization that my sickly co-worker seems to have been under the influence of illness for the entire time that I have been employed there. The chips were clearly stacked against me. Yet, STILL I RISE!
Ever the cunning contaminator, Common Cold came up with the greatest ploy of all , infiltrating my inner circle over the weekend. On Saturday, I noticed that my daughter was slowed significantly and not demanding that I come up with an afternoon activity. Content to just lie on the couch and watch TV, I found it peculiar that neither she nor her partner in crime, the notorious Baby Brother wanted to go anywhere. Using them as its vessel, Common Cold spread its wares throughout my humble abode. Had I a black light, I perhaps would have seen a fluorescent cloud of contamination permeating the room and coating my walls, couch cushions, and remote control with its sinister solution of sickness. I doubled and even tripled my efforts, incessantly consuming vitamin C tablets and drinking herbal tea. I continued with the Airborne knowing that to board my Monday morning flight as a carrier is to all but admit total defeat, not to mention proliferate this plague to my fellow business travelers.
By mid-afternoon, my daughter was a shell of her usually energetic self. My son failed to ask any random questions or do anything detrimental to any of my furniture. He too was couch-ridden. I could feel Common Cold closing in on me, mocking me, tickling my throat and attempting to stuff my sinuses. I decided in favor of mind over matter. I wouldn’t succumb to this. I would WILL my way to victory, and if that didn’t work, I’d whip up a Nyquil cocktail to destroy all possible remnants of Common Cold and his henchmen. I’m trying to maintain my resolve but Common Cold is beginning to grin. When I close my eyes tonight, I fear that he’ll launch into a sinister soliloquy in his best Vincent Price impersonation:
As germs they pass from hand to hand, and darkness falls across the land,
Microscopic creatures crawl in search of heads,
To congest and make feverish and remain in beds,
And whosoever shall be found,
Complete with resistance significantly down,
Shall stand and face the Common Cold,
And be under its clutches until they must fold
Into a fetal position and start to shiver
As their immune system has sold them up the river.
(Maniacal Laughing…)
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