Little Shop of Horrors

To say that I dislike the mall is like saying that liberal politics aren’t something that Sean Hannity particularly embraces. It’s not NEARLY a strong enough statement. Generally speaking, a shopping mall is not a place that I will frequent. In fact, I generally loathe them and try to avoid them if at all possible. I’ll go through great pains to either get their at closing, or at the time it opens so as to spend the minimal amount of time possible inside. I don’t browse or meander. I get in and get out. I’ve likely already done some research about the availability of the item for which I am seeking. I might even make a phone call to make sure that they’ve got the item that I want in the color that I want, and in the size that I need in that particular store before even heading toward a mall. Of course, this can often be a fruitless venture, and even mis-leading as the person on the phone seemingly tries their best to be the antithesis of helpful (defined, un-helpful, useless…etc.) as if they hope that you will come into the store with a bad attitude gunning for them specifically and ready for a throwdown. No thanks, pal, I’m not that guy. I’m sorry that you chose to work in retail out of all the available vocations. Don’t take it out on me.
But if you want to really put a scare into me, take me near a mall during this time of year. The hair on the back of my neck stands up at the mere mention of shopping. I get cold and clammy, and even nauseated at the suggestion of getting a jump on the good deals. You can’t get me near one of those places. You know how in a scary movie the dog might be hyper-aware of the impending danger and won’t go forward, stopping in his tracks despite his owner yanking on the leash or barking uncontrollably at an empty doorway? Yes, in fact I am the dog in this scenario. The whole scene frightens me. Never mind the long lines and the clutter created by the incessant stacking of the sales items as close to the doorways as possible and at the end of every aisle, I’m frozen with fear at the parking lot. You don’t get an appreciation for just how poorly conceived most of the parking lots and parking structures were until they are at capacity. When even a Geo Storm fails to make the requisite hairpin turn without making it a DMV driver’s license test, 3-point turn in an EMPTY lot, you know it’s a problem. Do yourself a favor. If valet parking is offered (as it seems to be at most of your higher end Westfield type facilities), be sure to partake. You’ll save yourself time and aggravation not to mention the headache of parking in a neighboring county.
The really scary notion is that the person that comes up with these awful marketing slogans is actually getting promoted. Somewhere, there is someone in a corner office, some Vice President of Strategically Cutting Edge Nomenclatural Initiatives that came up with Cyber Monday or Black Friday, sipping on their latte, basking in their own self-righteous glow. Call me out of touch, but I had never heard of either of these until this weekend. And last I checked (hold on as I thrust my black gloved fist to the sky), black was used as an adjective to suggest bad things that were to be avoided (a la blacklist, black ball, black sox) and white was used to “nice” things up (for instance “white” lie, which is not AS bad). I guess white sale was already taken. Cyber Monday. Now that’s pure genius. Said V.P.’s 4-year-old probably came up with that while being hastily unstrapped from the booster seat in the drop off lane at the pre-school, 15 minutes before the meeting. Maybe Black is used to forewarn of events like the one shown over and over again on the news reels this weekend in which two women got into a fist fight over who would get the last Baby Drinks Water on the shelf.
They say that all of the great savings are suddenly available on Monday, but I think this is just a ploy to get at the folks like me that are mall-o-phobic. Nice try. I contend that if you keep your eyes open, these internet deals are always available. I’ve been shopping on the internet for years. In fact, I would almost anoint it as a completely flawed system if I could get the FedEx guy to actually attempt to deliver something when I’m home. Well, that’s enough of my rant. With any luck, I’ll keep my mall moratorium going on through the holidays.