Somebody please make it stop...

"If I see another unwed mother pushing a stroller, baby in one arm, another one on the way, I don't know what the hell I'm gon' do...," -- Dick Anthony Williams as Bigstop in Spike Lee's 1990 film Mo Betta' Blues

I hear you Bigstop. I really do. I'll tell you another thing that is driving me absolutely crazy also. If I see anotha young brotha dressed like a clown, walking like he's wearing the Forrest Gump Limited Edition Ricketts collection leg braces, belt strapped tightly around his thighs, pockets hanging somewhere near the back of his knees, white t-shirt long enough to be worn as a wedding dress, plaid boxers showing as the cuffs of trousers start to fray on the bottom from dragging on the floor, I don't know what the hell I'm gon' do! When did it become cool to have your little behind hanging out for all to see?

Are you really so "hood" when you leave your Sponge Bob briefs for all to see? If your underwear were meant to be seen, you wouldn't wear it UNDER your clothes. Why is this popular? How ridiculous is it that you must constantly pull up your pants and can scarcely walk without your hand holding your britches by the waist? It's not comfortable. We've all had that day where we didn't have a belt and had to wear something that didn't quite fit right. This usually happens to me if I go to the gym and pack my duffle bag full of something other than sweats on the occasion that I have somewhere to go when I'm finished working out. I'll double and triple check while I'm packing the bag, but somehow belt just doesn't make the checklist. So there I am the rest of the day, holding my pants up and feeling ridiculous.

Let's take a closer look at this though. Why is sagging necessary? Well, I can understand wanting to be as far away from the achey-brakey culture and their Wranglers that seem to have a strangle hold on more than just the denim industry. The skinny jean look sported by the goth/mod/skater/logo-t-shirt-dyed-black-hair-earring-in-the-lip-nipple-pierced-guy crowd is not terribly masculine either. But this is not the way. I'm even up for a compromise. You can go ahead and keep sagging as long as we can put some guidelines in place. First, why not just buy longer jeans that don't fit you in the waist? An awful lot of you are 5'9" or smaller (at least according to the statistics), so why not shop where I shop. I guarantee that if your little behind tries to wear my jeans, they will bunch up around your ankles and drag on the floor like you like and will be plenty baggy. Shoot, you might even be able to fit two of you in there. You can still wear the belt, but now it can be loosely fastened around your waist. That way if you're late for school or work and have to run for the bus, you can really stretch out and run, and swing both arms back and forth instead of that crab-lookin' walk that you usually do. If you wanna sag your basketball shorts, buy them in the big-boys section. If they go to my knees, they'll surely go to your ankles, so I'm sure you can swing it and still look cool. Is this too much to ask? I think y'all can do it.

We can even have a buddy system. Brothas can keep each other in line and make sure that no one looks like an idiot. Back in the day, a brotha might've told anotha that the cuff on his zoot suit was flipped the wrong way or that the feather in his fedora was looking kinda shabby. You brothas can help each other out can't you? You must be doin' it a little bit because at least I haven't seen anybody in some BVD briefs saggin'. Clearly there are at least minimal guidelines. Let's just add some common sense to them. If you can still fit into Tuff Skins, then get your jeans in the Men's department. If you can shop in the Men's department, head on over to Big and Tall. If you really need the Big and Tall sizes, well.... If you're that damn big you probably play for somebody and if you don't you ought to borrow yo' mama's sewing machine and get a frequent buyer card at New York Fabrics.

I don't want to hear the "i'm expressing my individuality" argument either. Whether this stemmed from prison culture or not, you were emulating somebody in an effort to get some street cred. Think about it. Once upon a time, a guy whose clothes didn't fit wasn't cool. He was the laughingstock of the neighborhood. But maybe one day he got tired of all that and hit somebody in the jaw and nobody messed with him again. Now the next chump comes along and sees that homey with the clothes that don't fit is feared and respected and decides that he too wants to be respected and feared, so he starts to dress like him.

We all can relate to this, can't we? I know I can. When I was a kid, I wanted to be Dr. J. I wanted to wear the Converse All-Star's that he wore and I wanted my afro to be big like his. I didn't want to comb through my nappy hair though, so my mom had to egg me on with "You want to be like Dr. J, don't you?" That was usually enough for me to bite the bullet and suffer through that black, plastic pick with the fist above the peace sign on the handle blazing a trail through the knotted curls on my scalp. But eventually, I found my way and a hairdo that was more sensible for me. Luckily I didn't have to experiment with a gheri curl to arrive there. And I'm almost strictly a Nike man now.

But are we really being individuals when the very dark blue denim dungarees and white t-shirt issued by an institution that incarcerates us is the attire of choice? Prisoners are all dressed alike and all locked up alike to remind them of the freedoms to which they no longer have the right. So what if you're not in jail or have never been in jail. You're still allowing yourself to be institutionalized. Maybe the media is serving as warden out here on this side of the walls. BET issues the image of your wardrobe, feeds you a steady diet of misogyny, and gets you hooked on that modern day Blue Magic that is apathy and you and hit it extra hard.

But I'm free to do whatever I want!

Are you really? Everyone in saggin'jeans and hyphy white tees looks a little communist or socialist or some kinda -ist laden institution to me. What does your sagging signify for you? Are you unified? Is there an increased sense of brotherhood? The statistics say otherwise. Is it a reminder to you of the foot that the Man has firmly planted on the side of your neck as he laughs at the minstrel show that is your life, as you prance around with sunglasses that you could weld in and a mouth with so much metal that you forego toothpaste in favor of Nevr Dull? People have always broken their necks to be like us. People go to tanning booths to look like us and refuse to wash or comb their bleached-blonde hair for months to try to get dreaded out like us. Why not bring the proud tradition of trend setting back to life in a way that won't make your mamas and grandmamas cringe whenever they see you?